Nick Viall Reflects on ‘Real Feelings’ From ‘Bachelorette,’ ‘Bachelor’

Eight years after his first stint on The Bachelorette, Nick Viall has become a to-go for advice in and outside of Bachelor Nation — and he’s sharing all he’s learned about relationships, dating and sex in his new book.

“I’m very reluctant for that ‘[relationship] expert’ kind of phrase. I feel far more comfortable with ‘that friend you need, but maybe don’t want,’ or that kind of older brother [who gives] sage advice,” the 42-year-old Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday author began on Us Weekly’s “Here for the Right Reasons” podcast. “I didn’t write this book coming from a place of any type of expertise, but just as someone who had his own bumps and along the way, has felt stuck. [I] had struggled with ghosting, being cheated on and asking myself questions — ‘Why would she say this and then do that?’ I understand that I come from a man’s perspective on dating, but some of those fears and concerns with dating are universal regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. We all come from different struggles and it’s not to compare anyone’s struggles, but the place I wrote it from. … I try to include a lot of empathy and understanding [by] sharing my stories and the struggles I’ve had.”

Fans met Viall on season 10 of The Bachelorette with Andi Dorfman. After finishing as the runner-up, he appeared on Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season 11 and nearly proposed again. Following a stint on Bachelor in Paradise season 3, he was named the season 21 Bachelor and was engaged to Vanessa Grimaldi for several months in 2017.

“I think [the chapter] I’m most optimistic that might help the most people is the last chapter,” he told Us, referring to chapter 10, titled Getting Over Them. “I’m someone who had a really hard time getting over some heartbreaks, and that can just be such a daunting thing. We will find a lot of ways not to get over someone because we love them, or we miss what we had. And it’s hard to let go of things. But it’s not healthy to hold on to toxic things in a relationship that no longer exists. Someone [who] doesn’t wanna be with you — while hard to accept — when you hold onto it, it just really truly eats you up inside.”

While Viall has moved on from his days looking for love on reality TV — he’s been dating girlfriend Natalie Joy for more than two years — he isn’t afraid to admit the ABC series was real to him. During a profile with Esquire earlier this month, he explained: “On the show, you’re feeling excitement and lust and chemistry, but real love is trust and security and the feeling that your partner knows who you are, which is all impossible to have on The Bachelor. Real love isn’t possible in that environment, but real feelings are. Sometimes they turn into love, and sometimes they just get confused with love because of the general excitement level. But in the moment, it’s real.”

On the “Here for the Right Reasons” podcast, Viall noted that his remark wasn’t to “take away from the show.”

He explained: “That’s just my interpretation of love, as I see it having experienced various feelings throughout my life. To me, love is about that trust and that understanding of where you are and not constantly worrying about how someone feels about you. And the whole premise of The Bachelor is to be kept in the dark about how someone feels about you until the very end. And that is not building trust and understanding. And there’s so little we get to know about the people we end up in relationships [with], but truly, I felt real feelings. I would never take back what I said in any of those times because in that moment, I meant it and I felt it. I just realized after getting out of that world that wasn’t necessarily the type of love that I feel like I have in my relationship now or the type of love I desired in relationships when I was dating outside of The Bachelor. But again, the feelings are real.”

Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday is available now. For more from Nick, listen to Us Weekly’s “Here for the Right Reasons” podcast and keep scrolling: