Tom Brady Roast Recap: Most Savage Gisele Bundchen, Jiu-Jitsu Jokes

May 6, 2024 - Music

Whether she tuned in or not, Gisele Bündchen won’t be able to escape The Roast of Tom Brady.

Tom Brady‘s ex-wife was a main topic throughout the two-and-half-hour live Netflix special on Sunday, May 5, with host Kevin Hart kicking off the roast with jokes about Bündchen and her new boyfriend, jiu-jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente.

“Gisele gave you an ultimatum. She said you have to retire or you’re done. But when you have a chance to go 8-9 you gotta do it,” Hart said before joking that Brady “f–ked” coach Bill Belichick by leaving the New England Patriots for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.”You f–ked him good. You did, Tom, you f–ked your coach, but let me tell you something people … that’s what you’ve got to do to maintain your happiness. You sometimes got to f–k your coach. You know who else f–ked their coach? Gisele. She f–ked that karate man.”

Hart continued: “I mean Jesus Christ, Tom. One of the smartest quarterbacks ever played a game. How did you not see this coming? Eight f–king karate classes a day. … Eight karate classes a day and she’s still a white belt. F–k Tom. The only bruises she had were on her ass. everybody should have known it.”

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Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen looked like the picture-perfect couple, but the NFL pro and the model aren’t afraid to admit that their relationship has gone through ups and downs. “I’m blessed to find this life partner that we all kind of seek at different times in our life,” the former New England Patriots quarterback […]

Brady and Bündchen, who share two kids, split in 2022 after 13 years of marriage. The supermodel was first spotted with Valente in 2022, but denied having an affair. The twosome went public in early 2024, with a source telling Us that their friendship turned romantic during the summer of 2023.

While Jeff Ross struck a nerve when he made a joke about Patriots owner Robert Kraft‘s massage scandal — leading Brady to whisper “don’t say that s–t again” at the mic — Ross also referred to Brady as a man “with so many rings he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu teacher.”

One-time Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe — who Brady replaced as the starter on the team in 2001 — joked how Brady didn’t get sacked often throughout his career, quipping he was “pretty used to not being touched. Just like at the end of the marriage.”

He then joked that there’s two things he has experienced that Brady never will: being a first round draft pick (Brady was drafted in the sixth round) and a 28th wedding anniversary. “It was yesterday,” Bledsoe said of wife Maura.

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Nikki Glaser — who was the first to joke about Brady’s past split from then-pregnant Bridget Moynahan — did not hold back with the Bündchen jokes.

“You have seven rings. Well, eight now that Gisele gave hers back,” Glaser said of his seven Super Bowl wins. (Former teammate Randy Moss made a callback to the joke during his set, telling fans to vote on whether Brady should give him a Super Bowl ring or the ring Bündchen gave back.)

As Brady appeared slightly uncomfortable with all of the attention of his ex-wife, Glaser noted that the “only thing dumber” than Brady agreeing to do this roast was telling Gisele to do jiu-jitsu. She then made an NSFW joke about how hard it must be knowing “your ex wife’s new boyfriend can beat your ass while eating hers.”

Things took a dark turn when Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer displayed Photoshopped picture of Hitler with Brady, saying, “The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife until the end.”

Former teammate Julian Edelman joked about Brady’s many nicknames, including the GOAT, quipping: “Or as I like to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio‘s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband.” (Bündchen and DiCaprio dated from 2000 to 2005.) The wide receiver then made a joke that played into quips about Brady’s looks and sexuality: “When your wife left, I thought about getting rid my beard too.”

Andrew Schulz joked about Brady needing a lawyer. “That’s why Dana [White] is here, so you can learn how to f–k a Brazilian out of half their purse,” he said. “Tom was once asked which one of his rings was his favorite and he said, ‘The next one.’ Sorry that was a Gisele quote. My bad.”

In the end, Brady opted to poke fun at the situation, saying in his roast at the end: :There have been a lot of jokes tonight, but I miss the love of my life … football.”

The Roast of Tom Brady is now streaming on Netflix.

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